Vision

I use to have really poor vision. From the time I was in 2nd grade until I was 40 and my Mother gave me LASIK as a birthday present. Most of my life I would take off my glasses and see smudges of reality, blurred images of things that were there but I couldn't make out until I put back on my glasses. I lived in 2 realities. I didn't know any different so it seemed normal. If things bothered me I took off my glasses. If I got hurt I took off my glasses. If someone died I took off my glasses. Perfection in escapism. Alcohol, drugs, sex...none of these things made my mind shut down like seeing the world as a muted version of what it was. I depended on the blur. I embraced the fog. The day I had LASIK I remember being taken home to rest, high on Valium, burning eyes. I fell asleep in my bed and woke up at 3am. For the 1st time in my life without my glasses I saw the time on the clock on my bedside table. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy. I woke my husband and laughed and jumped around at what I could see. I really believed this would change my life forever. And for awhile it did. Good things happened. Great things happened. But I soon realized life still had times when bad things happen. Really bad things happen. 12 years after LASIK I now wear reading glasses. I still see the numbers clearly on the clock. I still see life in full crisp optics. But sometimes I put on my reading glasses and look in the distance. Things are blurred. I can't see what these things are. Life is muted. And for some reason I find comfort in that. I remember who I am. I am calm and still in my mind for a time. And once again I escape.

BALLOON take me away!

This friendship thing wasn't all that easy for Sad Little Girl. She was used to being a loner, living in her head thinking about destroying the world. But something bothersome had happened Sad Little girl had become pretty good friends with Amy. Even though Amy got to be the swan in the Kinder Garden pageant and Sad Little Girl had to be the skunk. Sad Little Girl had come to terms with that. Swans were pretty mean birds. Sad Little Girl looked that shit....stuff up on Google. So she had inside info that she kept in her Sad Little head. Info she could tap into anytime she felt inferior to beautiful Amy. Plus Amy had begun to worship Sad Little Girl. Probably because Sad Little Girl had helped her get over her stage fright. Even so Sad Little Girl was a loner and she knew Amy’s days had to be numbered so Sad Little Girl could continue her plans to destroy the world. These days Amy had started to invite Sad Little Girl over to her house for play dates. Sad Little Girl soon realized Amy’s mom was bonkers. She would run around the house in her slip, slurring her words for some strange reason, and acting like a maniac. Sometimes she would shove Amy which really pissed off…made Sad Little Girl mad. On one such visit to Amy’s house, Amy’s mom came outside where Sad Little Girl and Amy were playing “Rescue Barbie from Ken drowning her in the kiddie pool." She stumbled up to Amy and Sad Little Girl pushed Amy and said,”Ya know I can fly, right?” “Mom go away”, said Amy dejectedly. “You know I can FLY!” said Amy’s mom again. “Watch!” Amy’s mom started floating up in the air. What the hell…heck was going on?!? Amy’s Mom was floating about 3 feet up in the air. She floated down and screamed at Amy. ”You are such a doubter. You will never get anywhere in life!” All of a sudden Sad Little Girl got clarity on why Amy was so not confidant...unconfident. As Amy’s mom stumbled into the house Sad Little Girl turned to Amy and said, “Maybe we can fly. I mean if your Mom can do it we must be able to. ‘Cause we’re much lighter than she is!” Amy just shook her head and said sadly, “Mom is full of hot air. Besides I’ve tried and I can’t. I wish I could because I would fly far away from here.” “Well I think we can!” said Sad Little Girl fervently. When Sad Little Girl went home that day she was determined to Figure out flying. Then she would go back to Amy’s and help Amy fly away. The next day Sad Little girl started her mission of trying to fly. She walked down to the store on the corner where they sold balloons and string. She got 1 helium balloon, several balloons not blown up and a spool of string. When she got home she took the helium balloon and attached the toy she most didn’t care about to it. My Little Pony. “Seriously, what is My Little Pony?” thought Sad Little Girl. “It is MY fucking…frickin’ Little Pony. Why did they name it something so obvious?” Sad Little Girl often had tirades like that in her Sad Little Head. She tried not to say these things out loud because it made people uncomfortable. As she let go of My Little Pony it flew away. “Good riddance,” thought Sad Little Girl. “Now I can let that bone go.” Sad Little Girl now had a plan. A plan that would help both Sad Little Girl and Amy. The next day Sad Little Girl called Amy and asked if she could come over. “Sure” said Amy, “But my Mom is kinda stumbling, just so you know.” Sad Little girl packed the balloons and the string in her backpack and got on her bike and peddled over. When she got to Amy’s house no one answered the door so she walked into the house, through it and out to the back yard. There she found Amy and her mom. Amy’s mom was poking Amy with a stick calling her a piñata. Looking at Amy’s mom poking Amy Sad Little Girl’s plans changed. “What do you want?” said Amy’s mom slurring. “Hi Amy’s mom! I want you to blow up these balloons!” Sad Little Girl said. Giving Amy’s Mom one of her very infrequent Sad Little Smiles. “No problem! Just remember you will owe me something for blowing up these balloons. Maybe some house chores or cleaning clothes.” “Of course.” said Sad Little Girl. Thinking what a complete fucking loser…putz Amy’s mom was. Amy’s mom started blowing up balloons and as she did it Sad Little girl would tie them to Amy’s mom’s wrist. On the fifteenth balloon Amy’s mom started rising up in the air. But this time she didn’t stop at 3 feet. She kept rising higher and higher. All that hot hair from her breath made the balloons carry her up in the air. And Amy’s mom started screaming to get her down. But Sad Little Girl and Amy happily just watched her float away. “Well that problem's solved. Maybe she’ll find My Little fucking Pony.” Sad Little Girl thought. “Amy, you will have to come live with me. But understand I am going to destroy…save the world and you are going to be my helper.” Sad Little Girl had changed her mind about destroying the world. “What the fuck…fudge is happening in my head?” Thought Sad Little Girl. She felt something in her heart when she helped Amy get rid of her shitty….bad mom. “OK” said Amy. “Bring your Swan costume. You’re going to need it!” And that’s how The Skunk and The Swan became super heroes in Sad Little Girl's Sad Little Town. When they got back to Sad Little Girl’s house Sad Little Girl saw that My Little Pony somehow had ended up back in Sad Little Girl’s yard. Amy’s mom was never seen again. She was so full of hot air and fumes she probably would never come down. Of course a great story can’t end that way……

Sad Little Girl; Consider This

Consider this: When Sad Little Girl was in Kinder Garden she and her Dad would sing songs on the way there. Weird strange songs like “My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean”, “Red Robin”, Row, Row, Row Your Boat”…. Part of the lyrics to Red Robin were: "The north wind will blow and we shall have snow. What will the poor Robin do then, do then? He’ll sit in the barn and keep himself warm. And hide his head under his wing, poor thing." This was Sad Little Girl's favorite song they sang. She had no idea what she was singing she just could completely see the image of that Red Robin, and she loved the color red. But it was a sad song. Sad or not those moments of singing with her Dad were vivid memories, happy memories. She felt happy in that car singing. Her Dad would then drop her off and the angst would start. She was in love with Bobby. Bobby was in love with Amy. So every day Sad Little Girl would feel the pain of rejection. Yes, Judgers at 5 she was feeling intense rejection pain. Amy was beautiful with long blond hair and ribbons AND she was nice. The perfect person to hate. Mainly, because Sad Little Girl was only cute, only cute with very short hair and those stupid ½ bangs. She hated the way she looked and she was pretty sure everyone thought she was a boy. However, she was smart. Even at 5 she somehow knew the way to get Bobby was through Amy. So she would sit beside Amy and compliment her. And Amy was so nice, she let her. Sometime around the 1st of September that year Sad Little Girl's teacher told them for Halloween there was going to be a big pageant and they were all going to be animals. She was super excited. This would be her chance to get Bobby. She could dress as something incredibly beautiful and he’d never notice she looked like a boy. The only catch was the teacher would decide what they would be. She put little pictures of the choices up on the wall and there it was, a swan. SWAN! A beautiful white swan. That is what Sad Little Girl would be. She knew it! She would be stunning. She began practicing to be a swan. She would swim around the classroom feeling glorious. Amy would watch her mesmerized. Bobby would still watch Amy mesmerized. Sad Little Girl didn’t care. She knew he would love her the night of the pageant. A few days into her swan dancing Amy started swan dancing too. She would swim with Sad Little Girl. Her long blond hair flowing. And Sad Little Girl had to admit Amy was a very good swan. Then the day came when the teacher was to tell the children what they would be. As she went down the list she got to Amy and she said, “Amy you will be the swan.” Then she looked at Sad Little Girl and said, “And Sad Little Girl you will be the skunk and sing a solo.” the SKUNK. The SKUNK. The SKUNK. The SKUNK………… Sad Little Girl went into deep despair. Her mother got busy making her skunk costume not understanding how devastated she was. Her mom kept saying, “You will be so adorable. You realize not many people can pull off being a skunk. Skunks have power. They can defeat anything and still be so adorable.” Her Dad soon joined in and started telling her all kinds of facts about skunks that made them great. The night of the pageant Sad Little Girl put on her skunk costume and looked at herself in the mirror hearing her Mom and Dad's voices in her head and she told herself, “Out of all the animals in the world you are special.” Sad Little Girl looked at her eyes in the mirror and they were sparkling as only the way a skunk's eyes could sparkle... They drove to the pageant in silence. When they got there all the animals were running around the room except Amy. Amy was hunched over in the corner so Sad Little Girl went over to her. “I can’t do it”, Amy said. ”I can’t go on the stage. I’m afraid.” “Sure you can,” Sad Little Girl said not hating her quite as much as usual. “No, no I can’t. I can't swim without you." Sad Little Girl grabbed her hand and lead her on stage. They held hands through the whole pageant, even when Sad Little Girl sang her solo. Her solo about being a stinky skunk. The parents laughed and cheered and afterwards they came up to Sad Little Girl and told her how great she was. Consider This: Sad Little Girl's parents knew this was a crossroads for Sad Little Girl and she could be destroyed. They were paying attention. Consider this: Through deep despair and angst Sad Little Girl found a way to be happy being a skunk instead of a swan. Through deep despair she helped her enemy who seemed to have everything but she realized was in just as much despair as she was. Consider this: The north wind shall blow and we shall have snow. What will the poor Robin do then, do then? Well, he won’t stay outside and die. He will get his ass...but in the barn and survive. He will find a way to be strong even at 5. Consider this: Bobby never ever loved Sad Little Girl. But on that night, that pageant night, helping someone in more despair than herself Sad Little Girl learned to love her Sad Little Self. Skunk and all.

In Class

(In his head) No, I am not going to tell you my age! The teacher of this class knows and that is enough. I don’t do age. Besides, it’s a casting issue. (Points to himself) Actor, you know. I know, I know, I shouldn’t care about my age cause I’m a guy, a man (chuckles), a boy. Yeah, we really don’t grow up. Peter Pan and all that bull shit. But, come on, you all participate in it. You cater to us, take care of us, baby us. You’re stupid, all of you, (in smarmy voice) all of you Ladies. OK, I’m not so smart myself. Fuck me! OK Fuckers, I’m thirty-eight. Thirty-eight and not happy! Hear me?!? NOT HAPPY! What I don’t need to be doing is sitting in a DUI class with all of these losers. See that guy? He lives on my street. He’s an insurance salesman...pathetic, boring, and ridiculous. He got a DUI walking. You gotta be pretty stupidly drunk to get a DUI walking. At least I was driving... erratically. See the problem was my girlfriend made me stop drinking so much cause, well, I was a little out of hand, you know, howling at the moon, and she put her foot down, literally, her foot, on my chest, and said she would kick my ass if I didn’t chill out. So, see my resistance was down, and I had one shot. OK, maybe a couple of drinks before that, but I’m Irish, you know, so, where the fuck is my luck. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! And come on, look at that one. He looks like a criminal, Tats everywhere, even on his head. Whoa, that one’s cool. I’d look ridiculous with that, but it’s cool. Maybe I could do the snake. (Singing in his head) do doo doo doo do (Head down, then up fast) Did I fall asleep? Oh My God!!! This is the most boring thing I have ever had to do. She’s kinda hot. (Repeats mantra - like) I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. Anyway according to my “girlfriend” I am supposed to be learning something from this. Things happen in life to teach us things, so we can grow. Yeah, right! She is so full of crap! I just got caught. Teacher has boobies, big boobies, tits, tits, tits….. (Plays with his fingers) I wish they’d let you play on your iPod. All this talk about liver is really making me hungry. Did she say liver? Is pate liver? Pate is so good. I love Gordon Ramsey’s food. I am so hungry. What time is it? Time is...? Oh my God, fifteen more minutes. Wait, wait she’s letting us out early. Can it be? Come on booby lady…..wait for it, wait for it… (Shouts out loud) Yes! Yes! Yes! Time for a drink. See you next week.

The Weeble in Chuck's honor :)

I am reposting this for my friend Chuck who has decided to travel to other dimentions. I loved/love him dearly.

The Weeble

                The Weeble (for my friend Chuck)
 
 
The Weeble finally died in my building this morning. I called him the Weeble because he weighed 300 pounds and looked like a giant egg. He had lived in his small studio since 1945. When they came to take him out the elevator, of course, was broken so I envisioned them dropping him at the top of the 4th floor and watching him roll down all 4 flights, maybe lying broken at the bottom like Humpty Dumpty. But, they didn’t, and his lifeless body was taken out safely. As I always do after someone in my building dies, and quite a few do die a year, considering the building is full of originals and they pay anywhere from $200 to $400 for a studio, or one bedroom…. anyway…. I like to go into their apartments and lie in their beds and imagine what it was like to be them, what their lives were like, and finally what it must have been like when they died. Yeah, I know weird, but, I am weird, and frankly death fascinates me.
 
The Weeble had a freaky studio, only because he worked as a film archivist so his walls were covered with film posters, half of them pin up posters. This concept of having women in bathing suits on walls I’ve never understood, hey, he paid his rent on time and never bothered me. In fact he use to give me all kinds of key chains from films. I have quite a collection of half naked women key chains which I plan to sell on Ebay. Anyway, he had at some point built a loft in his studio about 4 inches from the ceiling so I climbed up there and laid down in his bed. It smelled like dirt. Not unpleasant at all. Besides, I like dirt. Of course, as I said I am slightly obsessed with death.
 
Anyway, as I’m laying James walks in, he helps me manage the building, and is my partner. He looks up and says,” Are you lying in dead people’s beds again?” I sit up quickly and hit my head on the ceiling. I notice the ceiling is Styrofoam. Then I notice it’s just part of the ceiling, so I lie back down a feel around the Styrofoam and notice there is something underneath it. Knowing the apartment is going to be renovated I pull off the Styrofoam and down falls something on my lap. It is a cylinder with a tube and a pump thing attached to it. I put my hand out in the air with it and ask James what it is. He looks up, hems and haws and finally informs me it’s an enhancer. I ask him, what does it enhance? He hesitates and I can tell he’s about to finagle the truth. James doesn’t like me to see the tawdry things in life and goes to great lengths to protect me. Like the time he told me the people in Apt. 29 had put up their Goldfish for adoption. I thought at the time they had gone on vacation and not had anyone feed them and they had died. But James informed me there was a great need for baby Russian Goldfish and baby African goldfish, and I pictured an Angelino Jolie type character adopting them, who collects goldfish instead of babies. Anyway, finally James with gritted teeth cryptically says, a part of the male anatomy.   But, it’s not heavy enough to help your pecks or biceps, I say. Then a realization comes over me and say. OHHHHHH, hmmm, yeah that’s just gross, I say dropping the enhancer, going onto the Weeble’s kitchen, grabbing an oven mitt. Coming back and picking it up with the mitt. I look at James and say, I’m calling Chuck. As I run down the hall to get my cell phone James yells, “Don’t call Chuck, he’s way to busy. He doesn’t have time for your nonsense.”
 
“I’m calling Chuck,” I yell back.
 
Chuck is the man who hired me and has become a great friend. When unusual things happen like the time a born again tenant emailed Chuck and wrote the elevator kept breaking down because of sex, Chuck called me and said he was immediately flying down from San Francisco. Chuck brought a picnic basket with cheese, pate and crackers, as well as champagne. We sat on the floor outside the elevator for 4 hours with our lovely picnic talking and laughing, waiting for sex to break down the elevator but it never happened. Finally, Chuck got up and said,”well it was worth a shot, let’s have a real cocktail!”
 
This time Chuck happened to already be in town so he came right over! As the three of us stood in a circle around the ‘enhancer” and stare at it, Chuck says, “I wonder if it works?” We all hysterically laugh and I decide we should try it and run to my apartment and bring back a zucchini. Chuck sticks the zucchini in the pump and pumps it and the zucchini swells then explodes all over the 3 of us. “Well that makes me kinda nervous. Don’t think I’ll be getting one of those, says Chuck. “Put it back where you found it. We will leave it as a tribute to the Weeble. He was one of the original tenants. We will renovate around it.” After Chuck leaves I climb up into the loft bed and put it back in the hole and tape the Styrofoam around it, still wondering what an 80 something year old man was doing with such a device and what it felt like when he died. Maybe he wondered what it was too and used it to kill bugs. That’s how I see it anyway. Then again, maybe it’s like that movie, “Citizen Cane” and the rosebud thing.
 
Two weeks later I received a present in the mail from Chuck. I keep it in the kitchen. It is quite a conversation piece. I use it to make mash potatoes. And every time I use it I think of my friend Chuck and I think of the Weeble and smile. And I think they are both probably smiling at me somewhere to.

A LITTLE SENTIMENTAL

I think it’s the train whistle that makes me want more. All my life growing up, the train would come through town at 4 am and blow its whistle. You got use to it. It was like the crickets in the summer, something you knew, something that just was. But, the train whistle told you there were places to go. Some people feel it with planes I’ve always felt it with that whistle. It’s haunting. It’s beautiful. My friends and I use to go down to the track and put pennies on it. We would always find them the next day, flattened out. Magical things of beauty to keep in treasure boxes, later to be forgotten because life has a way of taking the magic of childhood away when other things become important like boys and clothes and, well, boys.
But somewhere in my heart I kept that whistle with me. It took me to New York City. When I first went to see if I wanted to move there, my Dad took me and we stayed in the Hilton Hotel, 1335 Avenue of the Americas. I had met Harry at a friends wedding and he came that night to take me to his apartment on Ditmars in Queens to see if I wanted to live there. We walked out of the hotel towards the subway and there right on the sidewalk was a man playing classical piano on a real piano. Immediately I was smitten. I knew New York was my city. I moved in with Harry and he quickly became my best friend. We would ride the subway from Queens to Manhattan singing show tunes. It was New York, the unexpected was expected. I will always be in love with New York because of the magic there. Magic grows there out of the concrete, out of the sides of brownstones, out of the beat of the city. It’s a magic you think you lost when you stopped seeing your imaginary friend, or your blankie was no longer important.
I came to New York to be on Broadway. I started off singing in piano bars, and doing off off off Broadway Shows. One off Broadway show I did was with a friend of mine, Clinton. Clinton had magic and I loved being around him. Amazing things always happened around him. He wrote the most incredible stories. The kind you felt a part of, like it was happening to you. One afternoon Clinton asked me to go to a Broadway show with him. He had gotten two free tickets, and off we went to the matinee of “Fool Moon”. We sat fourth row on the end. I was happy, really happy. How many times can you say that in life? I felt electricity in the air, two of my favorite performers were in it, from Cirque du Solie. I was in heaven! At one point David Shiner came off stage looking at the audience on the other side. All of a sudden he crossed all the way over and grabbed me and took me on stage. He put me in a mimed car and started on a date with me. He stopped the car and Bill Irwin came out and grabbed me and started doing a tango with me. He put a rose in my mouth and dipped me to the floor. Then David Shiner came up and grabbed me and they started fighting over me. Finally they both kissed me and took me back to my seat. I grasped my rose completely elated and Clinton leaned over and said, “I knew they were coming for you!” Clinton gave me the gift of my Broadway debut. Years later I saw Clinton again at his show, Miss Coco Peru, after both of us had moved to L.A., and I cried. I cried because of his talent, his story telling, the gift he had given me years ago. I felt sad I had missed years with him. Afterwards, when I saw him I felt his magic again. It was if we never parted. It was right there, still with him and I realized some people just live with the gift of giving other people gifts. Harry and Clinton have both given me memories that help me move through any situation. A certain faith that I can make magic, that everyone can make magic. Like the train whistle at night filling you with joy because you know the next day a penny will be on the track magically changed by the train.